My Clothing Style (This is Going to Be Good)

I realized something yesterday: I'm the laziest person I have ever known when it comes to clothing. I have added to my wardrobe maybe a dozen items in almost four years. This stems from the fact that I don't exactly shop for clothes. I fail to shop out of two basic necessities: I don't have the money to spare, and any money I could spare is always -- always, people -- spent wisely on a video game. This results in me relying on various circumstances to increase the growth of my clothing options: Free t-shirt giveaways, Salvation Army $1 sales, and charitable girlfriends. This has gotten me pretty far, surprisingly enough, but only because I have been problem free when discussing the following topic: Fatness.

I am fatter now than I've ever been before. I weigh over 180. This scares the shit out of me, considering I normally hover around the 170 range. The problematic implications of said weight gain directly affect what I can and cannot wear; I am almost out of jeans because of this. What should I do?

Lose weight, obviously. But the residing problem isn't inherently existing in my weight. You see, somewhere along the line when God was shaping my person, he decided to royally screw with my existence by giving me nipples that protrude through the thickest of clothing. They cannot be missed when talking to me, so let me get this out of the way.

*Pauses for a moment while you stare in awe*

Okay, now that your disgusting nipple-lust has been fulfilled, what does this mean? It means I can't shop at places like Hollister, Abercrombie, American Eagle, Express, Banana Republic, or any other inherently narcissistic establishment like that. I have to settle for button up shirts that are just a tad big on me, to make room for my nipples. Awesome, this leaves t-shirts out of the question. Great, this means "wife beater" translates into "You're such a little bitch dude, look at those." Fantastic, this means swimming is more of a convention for those around me, as they just glare at the phenomenon in front of them.

But this all ends up being fine when I just simply come to the only conclusion that matters: Who gives a shit?

I have huge nipples, so what. Because of this recent enlightenment, I have been wearing nothing but t shirts lately. I fail to adhere to the rules my nipples try to enforce, and this results in me becoming even lazier. Not only do I have an excuse to not buy expensive clothing, I have decided that simple, cheap clothing will do just fine. I take this a step further by refining the definition of "cheap" and turning it into "free."

Maybe I can explain in a more concise manner with the following statement: If you're unable to look flattering in any type of clothing, why spend money on anything other than what you need?

Yeah, I don't either.

But I have come to a conclusion that forces me to change my lazy ways.

I need some more clothes.

I hate shopping though; I just don't like putting stuff on and putting it back and then walking across the store to find something else to try on that I'm only going to put back and follow it up with a trip to another store two miles away just to grab something that I try on just to then put it...see? It sucks doesn't it? Even reading about this garbage makes you want to scream.

I suppose I will need to suck it up though. I really need clothes badly. If you have any suggestions, throw them out because I'll eat em up. I'm no fashion designer, but I can listen to people talk about fashion (that statement is a complete fabrication and in no way represents any sort of attribute that can be applied to my person. I don't know why this blog even exists and why you're reading it. lol @ you).