Life
Lately I have done next to nothing with my free time, including creative output. I haven't really extended my efforts to do anything worthwhile. This isn't to assume that I've "wasted" my time, it's just to determine that I feel a bit numb with emptiness.
There was a period of time where I filled in any blank moment with a book or a poem, but I have suddenly filled those voids with various videogames and movies. This might stem from a complex I have of living life after graduation -- which means I know my time for "fun" is coming to a close as I see my responsibilities coming into clear view. I have to start paying off loans, figuring out where I want to live, who I want to work for, what sort of work I want in the first place, and how to make all of it come together without pulling my hair out.
I suppose the greatest thing I've learned out of all my empty experiences the last couple of months is that life is very real. Sometimes I find myself slipping into the realm of fantasy that portrays my future as nothing more than cereal and electronic toys. This fantasy is immediately followed by a rich slap in the face, something like an energy bill or my tuition statement. I get brought back down to the reality of things: Life requires more than attention, it requires action coupled with integrity when reacting to the attention. I don't feel like I've been pro actively working toward success, I've more waited on things to happen correctly. I want to start changing this approach of mine.
The problem within my newfound equation for success is the obvious recognition of flaw. I'm in no position to understand where I want to live, what I want to do and who I want to do it with. I'm a twenty-two year old man that is about to graduate college with a confusing, lackluster degree and next to no options as to how I can apply it to a career path. I have no financial foundation, would not be able to live on my own if I wanted to, and I exist during the worst economic struggle the United States has seen in the last eighty years. That, my friends, is intimidating.
I suppose it all boils down to what my father says: "Just take it one step at a time." Powerful words, sure, but no matter what I'm told, I need to change my mindset before anything else. The only person who can do that, however, is me.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this on here. I'm sure that anyone who was visiting a couple months ago stopped, due to my lack active updating; and those that will read it will most likely be my father and a couple of friends who already know all of this. Sometimes I suppose it helps to put it out into a space where its vulnerable, where people can step in and react rather than never knowing anything was wrong. I guess it feels nice to just put it on paper, or computer screen, and know I let it off my chest.
I'll be fine I'm sure, I just need to know what my first step is. That way, I can take it and possibly find out what my second one is. Hopefully that starts a chain reaction, resulting in a successful life for me. Let's just hope that first step appears soon.
I think its graduation.
There was a period of time where I filled in any blank moment with a book or a poem, but I have suddenly filled those voids with various videogames and movies. This might stem from a complex I have of living life after graduation -- which means I know my time for "fun" is coming to a close as I see my responsibilities coming into clear view. I have to start paying off loans, figuring out where I want to live, who I want to work for, what sort of work I want in the first place, and how to make all of it come together without pulling my hair out.
I suppose the greatest thing I've learned out of all my empty experiences the last couple of months is that life is very real. Sometimes I find myself slipping into the realm of fantasy that portrays my future as nothing more than cereal and electronic toys. This fantasy is immediately followed by a rich slap in the face, something like an energy bill or my tuition statement. I get brought back down to the reality of things: Life requires more than attention, it requires action coupled with integrity when reacting to the attention. I don't feel like I've been pro actively working toward success, I've more waited on things to happen correctly. I want to start changing this approach of mine.
The problem within my newfound equation for success is the obvious recognition of flaw. I'm in no position to understand where I want to live, what I want to do and who I want to do it with. I'm a twenty-two year old man that is about to graduate college with a confusing, lackluster degree and next to no options as to how I can apply it to a career path. I have no financial foundation, would not be able to live on my own if I wanted to, and I exist during the worst economic struggle the United States has seen in the last eighty years. That, my friends, is intimidating.
I suppose it all boils down to what my father says: "Just take it one step at a time." Powerful words, sure, but no matter what I'm told, I need to change my mindset before anything else. The only person who can do that, however, is me.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this on here. I'm sure that anyone who was visiting a couple months ago stopped, due to my lack active updating; and those that will read it will most likely be my father and a couple of friends who already know all of this. Sometimes I suppose it helps to put it out into a space where its vulnerable, where people can step in and react rather than never knowing anything was wrong. I guess it feels nice to just put it on paper, or computer screen, and know I let it off my chest.
I'll be fine I'm sure, I just need to know what my first step is. That way, I can take it and possibly find out what my second one is. Hopefully that starts a chain reaction, resulting in a successful life for me. Let's just hope that first step appears soon.
I think its graduation.
posted by Clayton at 9:37 PM
1 Comments:
Clay, I'm right there with you, man...
PS- I didn't even know you had a blog! Keep writing, I like your stuff.
Post a Comment
<< Home