Emotions

It is hard for me to fully express my emotional state right now. This has everything to do with my new life that is about to begin; a life I am not ready for yet, and am scared to witness. But more than that, it has to do with self-reflection and what all I have left behind; and - the new development - what is leaving me as well.

I left my entire life back in Ohio four years ago and the ramifications displayed how just the cause was. I worked to become a new man for the last four years and, for the most part, have improved in every way. I am more outgoing, I am a better listener, I am more passionate about my own life; I have more sincere conversations now than ever before, and most of that comes from a sense of curiosity embedded in my brain. The things I have done and have been continuing to do have all helped amass this being know as Clay Hargrave, and I have to say that when the mirror displays what everyone else sees, I'm proud. 

Sure I'm fatter now and still take part in juvenile methods for curing my boredom - such as a video game or two...or four hundred - but I enjoy my life more often than not, and I find happiness to be the most important aspect of anyone's existence. I have worked my tail off on schoolwork and have put forth more effort in perfecting the art of writing than I have with anything else - even singing. It was the tactical placement of my passionate persona that got me this far, and I'm glad I had the friends I did when that passion was somewhere much more destructive.

It seems, then, that my emotional state should be nothing less than stellar. There is no reason for me to be down, but that isn't how our hearts work.

Within the position that I currently reside, it is logical for me to feel this way. After four years I have reached a point where everything is a mystery again. I don't have three or four more years of school, I'm done with that. I can't just say, "Well, it's just my freshman year; I have time." Life doesn't have time for me to wait for it to catch up with my laziness. It demands respect and reverence at all times, otherwise we waste our own breath.

That is why I am at the point that I am, because I'm done wasting my breath.

To be more specific, I left behind two very close friends when I left for college. One them is nearly non-existant to me anymore, but the other is a person I consider a brother. He means more to me than most, and he would say the same in return. For over four years now I have had to deal with being away from him - my best friend- and only see him once or twice a year.

In the same fashion, I never see my father. If anyone knows me, they understand how important I consider him and why not seeing his face for long periods of time makes me a bit uneasy. Someone said a few weeks ago that they don't want their parents to die and have their response be, "Man, I wish I had spent more time with them." That is exactly what I would say if he died, and that fact makes my heart stop in place.

Because I left these people behind, I had to create a new life. It had to be an authentic experience filled with vibrant relationships, both romantic and platonic. I discovered some of the most amazing individuals and I will be forever changed because of it. Over time, though, I grew distant from most of them and watched as we drifted apart - people do that in college, I think it is just how the world works. There were a few that I stayed well acquainted with, but none of them really became my time-fillers or best friends.

There was one guy that became very special to me though, and his name is Mike Swanson. Most call him Fish.

He is moving away for reasons that will remain undisclosed, and I don't know if I have ever had so much trouble with remaining unselfish. I hate the way I feel right now; I don't want him to leave even though it not only makes logical sense, but he is fairly okay with it; I would even say he is excited. He gets to live with his dad, be around a new area filled with new people to experience and interact with - which are both good things for him - and he doesn't have to worry about the financial stress that he has dealt with for years. Everything about the trip makes perfect sense, and I should be beaming with excitement for him because of the opportunities ahead.

Then why am I being such a little selfish bitch?

I don't want to lose another friend; I don't want to have phone conversation relationships with people that I normally get to hug; I don't want to have that looming sense of ambiguity in my placement in life everytime I think of where I want to live. I just want all my friends to move next to me damn it.

I know I'm being illogical and a baby, but I can't help it. I lose my friends and family back home, gain a sense of family up here and have to lose one of them too. I suppose it just proves that life can be unforgiving and that it doesn't care who it effects. I just wish I could do something to change the entire situation.

I will be fine and I know he will be able to accomplish great things where he is going. I am happy for him and I am pumped that he is going to be making progress on some things that have complicated his life far too much, I just wish I could be there for him the way I have been the last three years.

Mike I know you're going to read this, and when you do I hope you don't cry because that would make you a little bitch, but I just want to make one statement before I get over all this emotional bullshit: I will buy you groceries no matter where you live, no matter what circumstance I'm in, and will do it without hesitation because, with all of my heart, I love you.

Good luck in everything, know that my door/phone are always available to you.

All of this simply tells me that I need to start finding a sense of self, like I spend too much time worrying about what I affect rather than what affects me. I need to start finding out where I want to end up and what I want to be doing.

Whatever, emotions are annoying.

*Edit* Somewhere in here I misuse the word "effect." I can't find it anymore, but I know it is there. I'm a dork.