Changes

For the last three years I have slowly fallen in love with destruction. This isn't to say the person I love is destructive by nature, but that she continually destroys my ambition every time I think we make headway into this grand thing we call life. 

Recently, we have broken it off close to five times in a year. Every time it has ended, I sincerely thought it was over and done with. Somehow, though, it always came back and seemed like the right thing to do. In the end it never was.

All of that changed until two months ago, or so I thought. We were back together after a terrible break up and a series of incredibly emotional circumstances. We thought about it like adults, talked our way through our problems, began a relationship with God at the center - doing devos and praying every night together over the phone - and everything seemed like it was going to be just like we always wanted: peaceful. We started looking at rings together, talking about marriage and thinking of what our life might be like. We loved the thought, or so we openly exerted to one another - I sincerely loved the thought, but now it seems she didn't feel the same. It was going so well that when I heard her words today, I didn't even get upset...I got pissed off.

She said to me that she needs time. She doesn't know if she is "okay without me" which is a problem. Now, logically, both of those things are fair and should not be argued with. It would be ignorant of me to assume we could ignore the facts, get married, then inevitably divorce because neither of us were honest about the situation. It wasn't that she was being honest and sincere that made me mad, it was the fact that she was hiding it behind a fake layer of complete bullshit; rather than communicate her feelings, she figured toying with the idea of marriage was more productive.

If you are doubtful about something, don't be a coward. Don't play with people and drag them down a path of misery and deceit just to let them loose at the end, give them the finger, and have your final gesture be something along the lines of, "I might be back, who knows." I'm seriously annoyed more than anything, mostly because of how stupid the entire thing is. I feel like a middle school student who got dumped for the jock - like I'm a toss-away because she thinks something else is more appealing, like being single. This wouldn't be such a problem if I hadn't been shopping for rings and talking about wedding colors five days ago.

Could I have a more fucked up love life? I mean for real, how annoying do we seem to everyone else around us? What would anyone be thinking if they thought we were good for each other? They would be fools at this point, just like I have been the last three years.

Before I get people bitching at me for being cold-hearted, I will make a few statements to off-set the mood. Holly is a great person and, if she wanted, could accomplish many things. She has a beaming personality, a strong sense of commitment when it comes to family, and an endearing presence when around her friends. She has a beautiful talent when it comes to creating things like drawings, paintings, music and smiles. She can honestly switch the mood of a room by simply being there - whether it be a good switch or bad. 

She means well with everything she does, and I honestly believe that, but she just has no sense of truth. Thus far in our relationship - both platonic and romantic - she has proved that cowardice wins over responsibility when it comes to revealing her emotions. It almost seems like she convinces herself that she is fine, even though she is the only one that knows she isn't. I really hope she can fix that because one day it will come back to really bite her in the ass.

I am in love and it sucks that all of my nurturing and all of my commitment will only come to fruition in delusional ambition. I suppose there isn't anything else to say but this: my life is about to become affected by a shitload of changes. Most people know what they are already, but let's just say my life is about to become really...wet I think.

My heart isn't necessarily broken right now, just tired. Given the circumstances, I'm more emotionally at peace than anything. I'm not sure that I am ready to date anyone else, or even consider how a relationship would fit in with my new plan, but I'm not ruling anything out. I'm honestly just going to wake up every day and live it like it's my last. 

I really am going to quit wasting my breath.