The night air gripped us, stealing any air that flew from our lips; causing our eyes to focus more tightly on the stares they produced. Her arm reached around my back, gripping onto its muscles tightly, and with a poisonous kiss she numbed my body. My eyes opened and she was gone, away from this place, but the evidence of her poison rested on my chapped lips. Fallen to the floor, my knees crackle as exaustion takes them over, filling them with blissful memories of when they supported my stance. From deep within I started scarring, and the liquid that poured from the internally opened wounds began seeping through my eyes. With nothing to hold, I grab my legs and begin squeezing as if the pressure applied would ease the pain of my heart while transferring it to my body. But as true as the night her vile gift touched my soul, my heart became disconnected with the very organic being it sustained. Floating in front of my swollen face, I see the air lifting my pain high above me so it could rain back down, creating a cycle through the room from which I could not escape. Dwelling here I felt the assurance of time, reminding me of its infallible presence as it shifted the sky outside my window. 

"Goodbye."

A single whisper breaks the room apart, causing its structure to crack and shatter, ridding the area of pain. Wading through the fallen pieces of what my poisoned breath made, my lungs created clean air to mix with it as my steps took me far away.

Within this soul you may find, a room looking bare and ready to be taken;

But know its tenants, bound by ropes of time,

Left it behind them, without trace of weakness.

To show the meadow, they are not broken.

Possible Project

So, as most everyone knows, I have recently undergone a crazy emotional change lately and the only way I knew how to handle it was by accepting it and writing about it.

My friend, Chase, has also had a lot going on in his emotional stature in life and when he saw my blog, we started talking happy things. I need feedback.

How many people would come to a website in a fairly consistent manner if Chase and I posted on it? We would do various things: duo-blogs, movie reviews, rants, poems, etc. If people would be interested, I will pay for a domain name and we would begin. 

This would do a lot of good things for me. It would not only get my writing skills going even more, but it would get experience under my belt for future job applications for various media outlets. If I had a website that I could refer them to, it would help immensely if they realized I had a consistently updated site with plenty of reference material on me, my skills, and my strengths within those skills.

But if no one will come to it, screw it. I'll just keep blogging and do my own thing; I don't feel like paying monthly for something that won't become of use. 

So let me know, because the more feedback I get the more willing I will be to create the site. Thank you again to everyone who has been there for me, I look forward to the future. God Bless.

Ahh!!!

Okay, seriously, screw emotions.

At first, when this decision of hers was made, I was like, "Damn, whatever. I'm done with this." But no, my heart decided to be an ass.

I am so tired of crying the last few days from wishing things were the way I wanted them to be, I'm not even sure how I have water left inside my body. I have never in my entire life been this miserable, and I hate the fact that it is basically inevitable; that I am going to have to go through this so I can get over the person I thought would be the love of my life.

Man, I hate this stupid love thing. I tried avoiding it when I was younger, and all of this crap is reminding me why; there is a tiny part of me that wishes I never fell in love with anyone, let alone two people at two different times that ended with the same one conclusion: Clay is fail, girl needs time away from Clay-fail.

Seriously, what is it about me that seems to be such a detterent? I do my best to give everything I have and while I do make mistakes, I seem to always watch as the love I poured into a cup just seeps out the crack that was in the bottom of it, unknowingly to me as I kept pouring, thinking it was the right thing to do. Then, eventually, I am so tired of the cup still not being full that I run out of energy, and the person finally tells me, "Oh by the way, I'm not thirsty."

Damn!

Is it stupid that I really am so in love that the thought of her not being near me anymore makes my body shiver? Is it stupid that at work today I saw a cover of the new movie Marley and Me and cried when I thought, "She would do that adorable baby voice and say this is cute." Is it absolutely pathetic of me to not go an hour without breaking down and crying at least for a minute?

Why am I THIS torn up? Why am I THIS beaten right now? I don't get it! If she wants to be alone, or even with someone else, why can't my heart just suck it up and say, "Alright, let's go elsewhere." Is it so hard to accept the fact that one female in my entire life got away before I could experience what it was like for her to want to stay? That was a wordy sentence, but I don't care.

I guess this is me venting my emotional state through frustrated persistence to get better. I'm not ignoring it or drowning it away with alcohol; I'm facing this and swallowing it like a man, saturating myself in every drop of pain that it creates so that once I finally get through it, there won't be any more pain to feel. It sure does make it a lot harder, and damn do I hate crying.

For whoever reads this, just pray will ya? I really, really need prayers.

Don't pray, "God help Clay and give him strength to..." blah blah, just say this for me, "God, don't let Clay be alone right now." That's it, nothing more. That statement is all I want God to remember, to always have someone - whether it be Him or a friend or a ferret - by my side to remind me why smiling is a better experience than crying.

I just can't seem to stop the latter.