Ahh!!!

Okay, seriously, screw emotions.

At first, when this decision of hers was made, I was like, "Damn, whatever. I'm done with this." But no, my heart decided to be an ass.

I am so tired of crying the last few days from wishing things were the way I wanted them to be, I'm not even sure how I have water left inside my body. I have never in my entire life been this miserable, and I hate the fact that it is basically inevitable; that I am going to have to go through this so I can get over the person I thought would be the love of my life.

Man, I hate this stupid love thing. I tried avoiding it when I was younger, and all of this crap is reminding me why; there is a tiny part of me that wishes I never fell in love with anyone, let alone two people at two different times that ended with the same one conclusion: Clay is fail, girl needs time away from Clay-fail.

Seriously, what is it about me that seems to be such a detterent? I do my best to give everything I have and while I do make mistakes, I seem to always watch as the love I poured into a cup just seeps out the crack that was in the bottom of it, unknowingly to me as I kept pouring, thinking it was the right thing to do. Then, eventually, I am so tired of the cup still not being full that I run out of energy, and the person finally tells me, "Oh by the way, I'm not thirsty."

Damn!

Is it stupid that I really am so in love that the thought of her not being near me anymore makes my body shiver? Is it stupid that at work today I saw a cover of the new movie Marley and Me and cried when I thought, "She would do that adorable baby voice and say this is cute." Is it absolutely pathetic of me to not go an hour without breaking down and crying at least for a minute?

Why am I THIS torn up? Why am I THIS beaten right now? I don't get it! If she wants to be alone, or even with someone else, why can't my heart just suck it up and say, "Alright, let's go elsewhere." Is it so hard to accept the fact that one female in my entire life got away before I could experience what it was like for her to want to stay? That was a wordy sentence, but I don't care.

I guess this is me venting my emotional state through frustrated persistence to get better. I'm not ignoring it or drowning it away with alcohol; I'm facing this and swallowing it like a man, saturating myself in every drop of pain that it creates so that once I finally get through it, there won't be any more pain to feel. It sure does make it a lot harder, and damn do I hate crying.

For whoever reads this, just pray will ya? I really, really need prayers.

Don't pray, "God help Clay and give him strength to..." blah blah, just say this for me, "God, don't let Clay be alone right now." That's it, nothing more. That statement is all I want God to remember, to always have someone - whether it be Him or a friend or a ferret - by my side to remind me why smiling is a better experience than crying.

I just can't seem to stop the latter.