Changing

Most people know what my week has been like up to this point. Safe to say, I'm not sure I remember being this weak. I don't know if I can remember another time in which I felt unable to feel okay. I am functioning; I am surrounded by wonderful friends, I am eating well, I am sleeping well and for the most part I haven't really cried. But I'm not okay.

I'm not sure how it even feels to be okay anymore.

I have this problem I'm dealing with: I dislike who I am right now. I don't have an inch of motivation within my body and I don't feel like anything is changing yet.

Life has always worked a certain way for me. I slide by, doing what I can to simply survive rather than thrive, and I eventually get a chance to run away from the problems that my lack of strength created. This time there is no running. This time my pain has grabbed hold of me so strongly that I can't even breathe without feeling it. I am unable to eat food without swallowing a tiny bit of misery with every bite. All the words that pour out from my lips are heavier than stone.

Tragic stories are told through many types of media. They can be found in cinematic creations, novels, daytime specials with Montel, and dozens of others. Most people enjoy watching them in the various movies that come out. When someone watches one of these - namely, love stories - they are torn away from reality and become elevated into a world that is saturated in perfection. The outcome of these stories can be anything; sad, glorious, uplifting, depressing, or even scary; but no matter what happens, the story concludes and the viewer is left with a sense of closure. When the film cuts off and the reel refuses to represent the finality of the reality that life isn't a movie, they simply come back into their own world and live like none of it ever happened.

I always thought that is what I could do if I ever lost her. I thought the movie would end. I thought the reel would cut off, allowing me to push on to the next one in line.

There is no line right now. There is no me right now. I feel like a shell; a shadow; a mere silhouette on the wall made of tears that is only reflected by the bright fire burning inside of me, scarring and infinite.

I suppose I could use simple, cliche words to explain my emotional state, but they wouldn't be telling the entirety of my truth. It's not that I simply feel ugly - as of right now, I do - I feel more unable to achieve beauty. Does that make sense? It applies to any negative attribution one could pin on someone. I have no sense of progress right now. I have no sense of self-value; I'm missing the essential piece of what makes me work: recognition.

See, it's simple: I don't know how to care about a future that I cannot see happening. My good friend said something once and I considered him insane, "Clay, I don't feel like I have a future. I don't feel like one day, I'll be thirty." Now, the statement itself is fairly normal; it's not like we can all say, "Man, I can't wait til I'm thirty so I can be like *that*" but we do have a general idea that we will exist.

Right now, I can't see past tonight.

I'm not being dramatic. I literally have no foresight when it comes to my future. Imagine you're setting up a series of dominoes. You have about one hundred of them, all different in nature because of their unique design: each one has a numeric value, rather than dots. You set them up in a way that if one of them topple, the others will soon follow. As they fall over, you notice that there is one missing, sitting right off to the side of the rest. Right now, that domino is me. I have no movement based on the movements around me. I am unaffected by my nature that is inherently similar to yours and the person next to you. I am standing, alone, surrounded by others just like me, unwilling to move.

People always say, "Ask for help when you need it." I don't know what any of you can do for me. I don't think anyone can do a thing. But this is my request: just pray for me. You cannot make me better. You cannot make this go away. You cannot make my day brighter. You cannot fix me, and you cannot help weaken the pain. You can simply remind me that I have things to work for. Just help me remember that I do exist, and that existence is worth existing.

I'm not dying. I'm not going to fade away just because I'm going through pain. If anything, I might become stronger. It will just take some time.

Right now I might feel nothing, but soon I will be reformed. To all those concerned, I love you. To all those not, I love you too. To those that have hurt me, I love you. To those I have hurt, I love you.

I'll be changing.

For Bev

A friend of mine is battling cancer at the moment, and it has really shaken me up lately. It brings me down to a level at which I dislike hovering, and I find the only remedy is to write out how I feel. Rather than that, I came up with a poem to help her see differently - should she even need to. I don't know if I'll give it to her since she specifically stated she wants no pity or sadness when dealing with everything. While I did make the poem uplifting, I'm not sure if tshe would even want it since it did originate from feelings of sadness; it might do the opposite of what I'm wanting.

In any case, here it is. This is easily the shortest poem I've ever written, and I'm fairly unimpressed with it's layout. I do love the simplicity of my statements though - they are both powerful and full. I really hope she would like it, even if she never reads the words.


Muscular reachings move my sight slightly higher,
Witnessing the dim Grey Sky surround us.
I've not been fooled;
For my weakness is strong enough to pierce
Through the veil and focus on the depth.
Surrounding me newly in a coat made of blue,
Silver and white.
Surface fights me, yet deepness calls louder,
Bringing me closer to home.

Life

Lately I have done next to nothing with my free time, including creative output. I haven't really extended my efforts to do anything worthwhile. This isn't to assume that I've "wasted" my time, it's just to determine that I feel a bit numb with emptiness.

There was a period of time where I filled in any blank moment with a book or a poem, but I have suddenly filled those voids with various videogames and movies. This might stem from a complex I have of living life after graduation -- which means I know my time for "fun" is coming to a close as I see my responsibilities coming into clear view. I have to start paying off loans, figuring out where I want to live, who I want to work for, what sort of work I want in the first place, and how to make all of it come together without pulling my hair out.

I suppose the greatest thing I've learned out of all my empty experiences the last couple of months is that life is very real. Sometimes I find myself slipping into the realm of fantasy that portrays my future as nothing more than cereal and electronic toys. This fantasy is immediately followed by a rich slap in the face, something like an energy bill or my tuition statement. I get brought back down to the reality of things: Life requires more than attention, it requires action coupled with integrity when reacting to the attention. I don't feel like I've been pro actively working toward success, I've more waited on things to happen correctly. I want to start changing this approach of mine.

The problem within my newfound equation for success is the obvious recognition of flaw. I'm in no position to understand where I want to live, what I want to do and who I want to do it with. I'm a twenty-two year old man that is about to graduate college with a confusing, lackluster degree and next to no options as to how I can apply it to a career path. I have no financial foundation, would not be able to live on my own if I wanted to, and I exist during the worst economic struggle the United States has seen in the last eighty years. That, my friends, is intimidating.

I suppose it all boils down to what my father says: "Just take it one step at a time." Powerful words, sure, but no matter what I'm told, I need to change my mindset before anything else. The only person who can do that, however, is me.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this on here. I'm sure that anyone who was visiting a couple months ago stopped, due to my lack active updating; and those that will read it will most likely be my father and a couple of friends who already know all of this. Sometimes I suppose it helps to put it out into a space where its vulnerable, where people can step in and react rather than never knowing anything was wrong. I guess it feels nice to just put it on paper, or computer screen, and know I let it off my chest.

I'll be fine I'm sure, I just need to know what my first step is. That way, I can take it and possibly find out what my second one is. Hopefully that starts a chain reaction, resulting in a successful life for me. Let's just hope that first step appears soon.

I think its graduation.