Wrong

I am worse than I thought I was, or that I predicted I would be.

Today it just hit me for some reason - I am in love with someone I can't be with. Is there any other pain this unbearable? I sure hope not, and I pray not many have to go through it.

I sincerely wanted to get married and have a family, struggle to make ends meet but be fine in lieu of our impenetrable love. I guess life isn't like a movie, and I suppose I can't be a director that pans every shot perfectly, crafting a work of art as I live on. I'm not sure why my heart is feeling this way, but it sincerely wants to shatter into a thousand different pieces. 

I don't have any poetic realizations this time, and I suppose it goes without saying that nothing can be said or done to make it better, so I guess I'll just sign off with simplicity.

I really wish I could speed up time.

Hello There, Boy.

I was working at Blockbuster tonight and the most bizarre thing happened, yet I found it to be an epic tale that will serve as a message of hope to all ye eight year olds.

I was doing the normal thing, which requires next to nothing, when my bladder decided it was pissed off and needed immediate attention. On my way to the designated area for such a problem, I was stopped by a tiny little boy, holding a movie. It went something like this.

"Hi," I said, in a calm, welcoming voice, "You finding everything alright?"

"Yes sir, I am." He called me sir, "How are you this evening?" He is wearing a sweater.

"I'm good man, what movie do you..." He is holding Die Hard, he cannot rent this film.

"Well sir, my father asked me to wait here while he went into CVS. I'm simply standing here until he returns." This kid is awesome. His name has to be something like Clarence. "Have you seen this movie? It's quite entertaining." Are you imagining this through a squeeky little voice? You should be.

I chuckle and state, "You have seen it? Isn't it violent?"

The following statement will forever change my life, and I think Clarence - not sure what his name is, but it must be Clarence - is the man.

"Are you afraid sir? It's simply a movie." Clarence won.

Not only was this moment epic in nature, he completely made my bladder forget about our original goal. 

Clarence if you ever read this, know that you're awesome and that I wish to be like you one day.

Damn You Physics!

I have recently picked up a new hobby that I am quickly falling in love with: bowling. Call me a dork, but it's a good time. Throwing a fifteen pound ball down a lane at fifteen miles an hour and watching it crash into white phallic symbols is enough to wet any appetite for boredom relief. The only reason I am writing about this is because how stupid people are about it, including myself.

There is a certain jargon involved in a recreational bowling alley, and if you've never gone to one then trust me when I say that it is quite humorous. No matter where you go, you will always hear something along these lines, "You got robbed dude!" or, "That was so a strike, it was sooo a strike." Newsflash: it wasn't a strike you goofy man you.

I'm giving out free logic lessons today. The first one is this: if you shoot a basketball through the hoop and aren't awarded a numerical value based on the distance from which you shot, you got ripped off. The second is: If you are playing hockey and make the goalie look like a jackass by shooting it between his legs, but aren't givin a score, you got ripped off. The third: If you throw a ball down a long stretch of wood into white things but they don't all fall over, physics hates you.

Who robbed us of our strike? I don't get it; it's not like there is some man underneath the pins with a magnet that holds one down every once in a while, making that 300 game seem that much further away. It isn't like the ball has a mind of its own and states, right before slamming into the pocket, "Nah, fuck the ten pin. I don't want to knock that one over."

To all of you who bowl, next time you complain and say you got robbed, just think about the fact that the only entity responsible is God. 

Who else could keep that damn ten pin there?

Changes

For the last three years I have slowly fallen in love with destruction. This isn't to say the person I love is destructive by nature, but that she continually destroys my ambition every time I think we make headway into this grand thing we call life. 

Recently, we have broken it off close to five times in a year. Every time it has ended, I sincerely thought it was over and done with. Somehow, though, it always came back and seemed like the right thing to do. In the end it never was.

All of that changed until two months ago, or so I thought. We were back together after a terrible break up and a series of incredibly emotional circumstances. We thought about it like adults, talked our way through our problems, began a relationship with God at the center - doing devos and praying every night together over the phone - and everything seemed like it was going to be just like we always wanted: peaceful. We started looking at rings together, talking about marriage and thinking of what our life might be like. We loved the thought, or so we openly exerted to one another - I sincerely loved the thought, but now it seems she didn't feel the same. It was going so well that when I heard her words today, I didn't even get upset...I got pissed off.

She said to me that she needs time. She doesn't know if she is "okay without me" which is a problem. Now, logically, both of those things are fair and should not be argued with. It would be ignorant of me to assume we could ignore the facts, get married, then inevitably divorce because neither of us were honest about the situation. It wasn't that she was being honest and sincere that made me mad, it was the fact that she was hiding it behind a fake layer of complete bullshit; rather than communicate her feelings, she figured toying with the idea of marriage was more productive.

If you are doubtful about something, don't be a coward. Don't play with people and drag them down a path of misery and deceit just to let them loose at the end, give them the finger, and have your final gesture be something along the lines of, "I might be back, who knows." I'm seriously annoyed more than anything, mostly because of how stupid the entire thing is. I feel like a middle school student who got dumped for the jock - like I'm a toss-away because she thinks something else is more appealing, like being single. This wouldn't be such a problem if I hadn't been shopping for rings and talking about wedding colors five days ago.

Could I have a more fucked up love life? I mean for real, how annoying do we seem to everyone else around us? What would anyone be thinking if they thought we were good for each other? They would be fools at this point, just like I have been the last three years.

Before I get people bitching at me for being cold-hearted, I will make a few statements to off-set the mood. Holly is a great person and, if she wanted, could accomplish many things. She has a beaming personality, a strong sense of commitment when it comes to family, and an endearing presence when around her friends. She has a beautiful talent when it comes to creating things like drawings, paintings, music and smiles. She can honestly switch the mood of a room by simply being there - whether it be a good switch or bad. 

She means well with everything she does, and I honestly believe that, but she just has no sense of truth. Thus far in our relationship - both platonic and romantic - she has proved that cowardice wins over responsibility when it comes to revealing her emotions. It almost seems like she convinces herself that she is fine, even though she is the only one that knows she isn't. I really hope she can fix that because one day it will come back to really bite her in the ass.

I am in love and it sucks that all of my nurturing and all of my commitment will only come to fruition in delusional ambition. I suppose there isn't anything else to say but this: my life is about to become affected by a shitload of changes. Most people know what they are already, but let's just say my life is about to become really...wet I think.

My heart isn't necessarily broken right now, just tired. Given the circumstances, I'm more emotionally at peace than anything. I'm not sure that I am ready to date anyone else, or even consider how a relationship would fit in with my new plan, but I'm not ruling anything out. I'm honestly just going to wake up every day and live it like it's my last. 

I really am going to quit wasting my breath.

Emotions

It is hard for me to fully express my emotional state right now. This has everything to do with my new life that is about to begin; a life I am not ready for yet, and am scared to witness. But more than that, it has to do with self-reflection and what all I have left behind; and - the new development - what is leaving me as well.

I left my entire life back in Ohio four years ago and the ramifications displayed how just the cause was. I worked to become a new man for the last four years and, for the most part, have improved in every way. I am more outgoing, I am a better listener, I am more passionate about my own life; I have more sincere conversations now than ever before, and most of that comes from a sense of curiosity embedded in my brain. The things I have done and have been continuing to do have all helped amass this being know as Clay Hargrave, and I have to say that when the mirror displays what everyone else sees, I'm proud. 

Sure I'm fatter now and still take part in juvenile methods for curing my boredom - such as a video game or two...or four hundred - but I enjoy my life more often than not, and I find happiness to be the most important aspect of anyone's existence. I have worked my tail off on schoolwork and have put forth more effort in perfecting the art of writing than I have with anything else - even singing. It was the tactical placement of my passionate persona that got me this far, and I'm glad I had the friends I did when that passion was somewhere much more destructive.

It seems, then, that my emotional state should be nothing less than stellar. There is no reason for me to be down, but that isn't how our hearts work.

Within the position that I currently reside, it is logical for me to feel this way. After four years I have reached a point where everything is a mystery again. I don't have three or four more years of school, I'm done with that. I can't just say, "Well, it's just my freshman year; I have time." Life doesn't have time for me to wait for it to catch up with my laziness. It demands respect and reverence at all times, otherwise we waste our own breath.

That is why I am at the point that I am, because I'm done wasting my breath.

To be more specific, I left behind two very close friends when I left for college. One them is nearly non-existant to me anymore, but the other is a person I consider a brother. He means more to me than most, and he would say the same in return. For over four years now I have had to deal with being away from him - my best friend- and only see him once or twice a year.

In the same fashion, I never see my father. If anyone knows me, they understand how important I consider him and why not seeing his face for long periods of time makes me a bit uneasy. Someone said a few weeks ago that they don't want their parents to die and have their response be, "Man, I wish I had spent more time with them." That is exactly what I would say if he died, and that fact makes my heart stop in place.

Because I left these people behind, I had to create a new life. It had to be an authentic experience filled with vibrant relationships, both romantic and platonic. I discovered some of the most amazing individuals and I will be forever changed because of it. Over time, though, I grew distant from most of them and watched as we drifted apart - people do that in college, I think it is just how the world works. There were a few that I stayed well acquainted with, but none of them really became my time-fillers or best friends.

There was one guy that became very special to me though, and his name is Mike Swanson. Most call him Fish.

He is moving away for reasons that will remain undisclosed, and I don't know if I have ever had so much trouble with remaining unselfish. I hate the way I feel right now; I don't want him to leave even though it not only makes logical sense, but he is fairly okay with it; I would even say he is excited. He gets to live with his dad, be around a new area filled with new people to experience and interact with - which are both good things for him - and he doesn't have to worry about the financial stress that he has dealt with for years. Everything about the trip makes perfect sense, and I should be beaming with excitement for him because of the opportunities ahead.

Then why am I being such a little selfish bitch?

I don't want to lose another friend; I don't want to have phone conversation relationships with people that I normally get to hug; I don't want to have that looming sense of ambiguity in my placement in life everytime I think of where I want to live. I just want all my friends to move next to me damn it.

I know I'm being illogical and a baby, but I can't help it. I lose my friends and family back home, gain a sense of family up here and have to lose one of them too. I suppose it just proves that life can be unforgiving and that it doesn't care who it effects. I just wish I could do something to change the entire situation.

I will be fine and I know he will be able to accomplish great things where he is going. I am happy for him and I am pumped that he is going to be making progress on some things that have complicated his life far too much, I just wish I could be there for him the way I have been the last three years.

Mike I know you're going to read this, and when you do I hope you don't cry because that would make you a little bitch, but I just want to make one statement before I get over all this emotional bullshit: I will buy you groceries no matter where you live, no matter what circumstance I'm in, and will do it without hesitation because, with all of my heart, I love you.

Good luck in everything, know that my door/phone are always available to you.

All of this simply tells me that I need to start finding a sense of self, like I spend too much time worrying about what I affect rather than what affects me. I need to start finding out where I want to end up and what I want to be doing.

Whatever, emotions are annoying.

*Edit* Somewhere in here I misuse the word "effect." I can't find it anymore, but I know it is there. I'm a dork.